Spam and more spam!  No, I am not talking about the meat, I mean, "meat" that was made more famous by Monty Python than any actual advertising campaign, I am talking about the scurge of your average internet user.

 

Picture this, if you will, I have not and never have signed up to any dodgy sites.  A few football forums, this place (obviously ) Twitter etc etc. and yet I still manage to get so much email spam it is pathetic!

 

I went into my personal email today and checked... 271 messages... wanna know how many I kept?  Come on have a guess... 200?  No, less.  150?  No, less.  100?  No, less.  One last go... 75?  No!

 

I'll tell you how many I kept.... 2!

 

Two (2), yes two out of 271 messages were actually useful!  And no, I am not exaggerating.  And yes, I have blogged about it before.  Oh, the list of things I get.

 

Oooh, here's one for penis extension (I say one, meant about fifty).  Nope, don't need that one.  Oh, now, howabout viagra... nope, no problem there, deleted.  Sex change?  Erm, well if ever I discover the pillock sending these out, yes there will be one performed, but by me not on me!

 

Now, howabout one promising all sorts of flashing boobies?  Well, okay, but only under two conditions... 1> its not gonna leave nasty deposits on my computer (ahem, stop being dirty, I am talking virus') and 2> Nowhere to be seen would be Susan Boyle.... on second thoughts... deleted.

 

Oh here we go....

 

"Your Barlcays internet account has expired, please fill in the security form to re-establish"....

 

Ah, well, I would do, except for two issues...

 

 

 

Only slight issues to your cunning plan, now run away and shove it up your backside!

 

Thank God for the "Select All" option!  LOL

 

Anyways, having scanned through quickly to ensure no important emails got deleted, click delete... all gone!

Let me start by saying congratulations to Diversity for winning Britains Got Talent.  They won it deservedly (oh here we go, my keyboard is playing up again!  Everytime I go to write a blog entry lately I keep noticing it's missing letters off some of the words.  And no, it isn't me!  Honest. ) with Susan Boyle coming a not-so-deserved second.

 

After the initial hoo-har surrounding Susan Boyle a few things struck me.  Firstly, compared to some of the others, including kids Natalie Okri, Hollie Steele and Shaheen Jafargholi, she really was not that good.  Brilliant compared to your's truely, just not that good compared to the aforementioned kids.  And boy, did they have amazing voices!

 

My heart went out in the semi-final to Hollie Steele, I felt desperately sorry for her, for a 10 year-old to go onto stage and sing infront of millions of people is a feat on its own, to have to do it again having lost it the first time is a testament to the bravery of that young girl.  I could not have done that.  I think I may have done a small excited poo in my pants if I had to.  And if I did sing in front of an audience they would probably sh*t themselves through pure bloody laughter... the evil sods.

 

Back to Susan Boyle, the second thing about her is that she actually started to believe her own hype, throwing (alleged) tantrums at people etc.  Now, if you are like me you will not like this, in fact I hate it with a passion.  It annoys me!  Look, Susan, you are barely famous stop acting like a fecking Diva!

 

I suppose it could be pent up, sexual aggression, I am not going into reasons why I think that, but you have watched her on the programme? 

 

Telling you something, when she flashed her leg at the end of the final it took me all my time to stop from hurling like an extra from The Exorcist.  *Quick, flick channels and shouts "Be-gone Demon".... ewww.... *shudder**  I don't want to projectile vomit over my 37" HD LCD TV, thanks very much, nor do I want to throw up all over my computer, so I'll stop talking about Susan Boyle showing her leg off.... oh, wait a minute.... oh no its okay, managed to swallow it down.  Quick, think *Jessica Lucas*, ah, that sick feeling has gone.... hang on, she waggled her boobies as well, oh blimey nothings gonna stop me now... quick, toilet!

 

To her credit, she was gracious in defeat, so not much can be said by that.

 

Anyways, yes, where was I (please don't say in the toilet, projectile vomitting, thats just not nice, I am sure she is a lovely woman)?  Ah, yes, the other acts.  Well, we went from the sublime (the above mentioned and others, whom I will get to later) to the, quite frankly, ridiculous (remember the guy who swung a pick axe?  Back to him later, I have almost puked once in this blog, twice in such a short term is too much even for me).

 

Ah, Flawless.  Well, another excellent dance group just, unfortnately for them, Diversity are/were better.  Which reminds me, did anyone see More Britains Got Talent after the Final?  Well, from what I remember Flawless have had enquiries to there availability by Freddy Flintoft and Diversity by Prince Albert!  Bit of a contrast that. 

 

Whilst my tiny little mind can remember, Diversity are on Twitter btw.  Yes I am following them, yes I did send them my congratulations.

 

Oh good God, I cannot put it off any longer, sick bag is that the ready!  I have to get this out of my system...  Britains Got Talent went to Britains Got Some Fecking Nutcases out there!  I am, of course, referring to the guy who had the (dubious) talent of being able to hang, and swing to break a plate, a fecking pickaxe from his ear lobes!  I kid you not!

 

Seriously, that is up there for me with Susan Boyle flas.... stop right there... nope I ain't saying it.

 

Look fella, if you are gonna do something like that, at least put some humour into it by missing the plate and getting yourself in the bollocks with your pickaxe, I might have voted for you then.  The fact that you would of ended up in hospital and not able to compete in the Final would have been an added bonus.  I am, o course, kidding I do not wish that on anyone, but it still would have been funny.  I can imagine Ant & Dec standing there, grimacing, going up to him whilst he is rolling around on the floor and patting him on the back, "Ooh, I bet that hurt."

 

If I remember right, he also drilled a nail through the inside bridge of his nose, swung bins from his ears etc.  I seriously dread to think what him and his missus gets upto to get there sexual kicks, the thought quite frankly scares me more than having.... well Ill let you use your imagination.... just how cruel is that?  Muwahahaha!

 

I mean, how do these people know that they can do these sort of things?  What possesses them to try it in the first place?  WHY for God's sake think anyone else wants to watch you try to skin yourself alive starting at the ears as the weight starts to peel the skin away!?!?!?  Please!  Stop the visions, just stop.

 

I thought the 2Grand act was very good, it is just a pity that the Grandfather allowed nerves to get the better of him, although why he didn't get a second shot whilst Hollie Steele could I do not know.  If one is allowed a second go, all should be, thats not a fair thing to do is it?

 

Now, Stavros Flatley!  Well what can be said?  For pure entertainment value they were/are up there with Diversity for me and really they should have been 2nd, not Su Bo.  Having said that, Shaheen, Hollie and Natalie Okri (whom didn't even make the Final) should have also been above Su Bo, but there you go.

 

At the end of the day, though, the best act won.  Congratulations.

 

Ah, at least that's over and I haven't got any mind numbing drivel to sit through, thank God Big Brother is not on.... oh, wait a minute.... NOOOOOOO!